war of the two wolves - contempt vs. compassion

There’s a story told – the source of which is a bit ambiguous, but it goes something like this:

A grandfather told his grandson, “It’s like there are two wolves in me. One is good; the other is bad. One leads me to be kind; the other leads me to be mean. One helps me love; the other makes me hate. A war of the two wolves wages in me.”

The boy asked his grandfather, “Which one wins?”

That,” the grandfather replied,” depends on which one I feed.”

 

If this were my story, I would say that the mean wolf is contempt and the good wolf is compassion.

I’ve been giving some thought to the ways we (or should I say, I – as if I’m the only one?) hold ourselves and others in contempt. Contempt is an especially cunning and stealth full creature –catered to by contention, competition and comparison. This contemptuous wolf – who represents my false self, has conditioned me to think that it’s hard to measure up and carries around with it a defeated sense of me being either too much or not enough in relationship with others. This ravenous wolf is never satisfied. Shame and blame are heaped on shame and blame until one finds herself buried under more contempt in a deep and dark, miry pit of isolation and self imposed exile.

For much of my life this pit was a familiar place. Over time, I am learning that I don’t have to go there. Well, at least I am now able to say that while I still fall back into the old relational style I now know that I don’t have to stay there and feed that nasty wolf. I’m learning that I actually have a choice to engage with the good wolf. It’s been a long time coming.

 

So, what about that other wolf?

 

The good wolf feasts on compassion - Self compassion and compassion for others. With gratitude and grace, the good wolf is patient and aware. The good wolf knows that kindness matters. Kindness invites me to engage with others and love myself well as I dare to live more and more out of my true self.

 

In her book, Self-Compassion: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind, Kristine Neff shares this:

When faced with our human imperfection, we can either respond with kindness and care, or with judgment and criticism. An important question to ask is what qualities of heart and mind do we want to encourage in ourselves? We can’t stop our judgmental thoughts, but we don’t have to encourage or believe in them either. If we hold our self-judgments with gentleness and understanding, the force of self-contempt will eventually fade and wither, deprived of the sustenance needed to survive. We have the power to live with joy and contentment by responding to our suffering with kindness.

 

If this were your story, which wolf will you feed? The simpering, wounded wolf who feeds on contempt or the contented good wolf who longs to be nourished with kindness and compassion?