proof positive

 

There between a rock and a hard place, I had hoped that I would be met by grace.

Hope does not disappoint.

After a week of processing and reflection, that hope of restoration and recovery has brought a stirring of resurrection. I’ve been waking up to the idea and now, I know - It’s true.

I’ve learned and am learning yet again to trust the process and the Presence….

On this beautiful spring day, as all creation sings, the whispered phrase of an old hymn invited me to get outside and take a good look around at all the signs of new life – of resurrection.

Lord, how thy wonders are displayed where’er I turn my eye,

if I survey the ground I tread, or gaze upon the sky!

Here’s proof positive that grace has met me right where I am today.

May it be so for you.

Peace.

Between a rock and a hard place -met by grace

What began with a dream now feels like death. At least for now – so far as now goes.

As Holy Week trudges  along, I’m feeling attuned to what the disciples experienced as they, overcome with fatigue, questioned, deserted, denied…

A deep, deep desire of my heart had flowered open to an extraordinary opportunity. I entered into it with great delight – full of expectation.

Deeply committed, I seized the day and moved forward with a grateful heart.

About half way through, disruption and disillusionment wormed its way into the picture.

Here was a bitter pill to swallow. Even now discouragement, stuck in my throat, threatens to choke desire and devotion.

I’m grateful for a timely reminder  from Richard Rohr - a much needed check of the reality that there will sometimes be  a  situation in your life (which) will lead you to a place, an event, a relationship, a failing or falling apart of something wherein you can’t control life anymore and you can’t understand it.

I’m empty and depleted. If there is any hope of restoration and recovery, it’s on the far side of much processing.

The following prayer from my daily read – Common Prayer – A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals, by Shane Claiborne, et al, is my heart’s cry this day: 

    Lord, teach us to dwell in the corners and crevices, to find an abundance of your love in those     pockets of our lives where the poverty of our abilities crowds out our pride and ego. Amen

Lord, teach me. I want to learn.

I don’t see it yet - perhaps I never will. I have more questions than answers these days.  Seems I’m between a rock and a hard place.

 

So I wait. I wait for grace.  I wait.

And then, the stone was found to have been rolled away.

I’ll wait – expectant.  And full of hope…. Trusting the process and the Presence….

Meanwhile, grace will meet me there.

Swinging into Spring

I’m a calendar girl. By that I mean that if the calendar says that it’s spring, I believe that it’s spring. Never mind that the landscape here in Western Michigan still holds piles of snow.  I saw a robin the other day and the snow IS melting so I believe that the new season is here. There’s no denying it & I need for this winter to be over. So I do hereby declare that the winter of my discontent has come to an end.

It began in late fall actually when ill health crept in like a chilly draft.

I hunkered down thinking that here was a simple squall I could easily weather.

This too shall pass…but it took the wind out of my sails. When a wave of arctic air swept in from the frozen north, I was unprepared for the perfect storm of dis-ease and distress that followed in its wake. The nights got longer and the snow kept falling and falling and falling. Trapped inside a virtual snow globe I found myself isolated and desolate. As the weather allowed – between snow storms, blowing and drifting snow and ice storms - I was shuttled around from one specialist to another and from one facility to another for various tests and scans to try to discover the underlying cause of all this physical distress.

As the winter dragged on, depression began seeping through the windows and walls.

One thing led to another like some unending game of chutes and ladders through this difficult and disappointing winter.

Several times over the past few months I’ve given consideration to the phrase, the spirit is willing but the body is weak. I’ve missed out on so much - pure and simple, the physical energy simply was not there.  The need for self compassion and kindness in the face of so much suffering was great.

There were nights when the physical pain was so horrific the only thing that got me through was by taking one breath and then another. Lying on the floor with one hand on my belly and the other hand on my heart, I would simply breathe. One breath after another….  Gradually the pain would ease and there was calm in the midst of the storm.

At one point I came to the conclusion that my body had betrayed me. Anger and frustration with my plot planted seeds of discontent and threatened to undo me. Just recently, my spiritual director invited me to consider that perhaps there was another way to look at the ongoing discomfort that has spread mercurially. Might it be that my body is speaking wisdom to me? Perhaps it is time to listen to that wisdom and learn that somewhere there is a balance between the want to and the capacity to actually do.

It’s a fine line and I’ve pondered the flip side of this conundrum before..

Now I’m giving more consideration to the body, mind, soul connection and the reality of my body as a vehicle for my spirit self - as the temple.

As the long winter dragged on, I was on the lookout  for encouragement. 

I found some here as a  random quote attributed to Tina Fey at  GrowingBolder.com came across my radar.  “You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the water slide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute,”  This gave me pause  - especially when a friend of mine responded – “I say, go down if it appeals to you, otherwise go find yourself a swing.”

Now that’s my kind of gal. I’m tired of the interminable game of chutes and ladders.

This calendar girl is ready to swing into spring.

Under Arrest - No trespassing

I was arrested yesterday. I’d been to this place many times before and had never recognized the sign. Caught by surprise, the implications swept over me and I stopped dead in my tracks. Guilty as charged. Sometimes words are so familiar that we just gloss over them without really attending to the meaning behind the meaning. Not this time, however.

There I was at the conclusion of my morning’s sacred time of centering prayer - reciting the Lord’s Prayer as I do every day....

It was the phrase, Forgive us our trespasses. How many times before had I said this phrase? This prayer? Forgive us our trespasses.

It was the word trespasses which gave me pause. Here, then, was something to investigate. What does trespass, in the context of this prayer mean? Trespassing is considered being on someone else's property without their consent.

Where have I trespassed? The definition suggests that trespassing causes injury to the person, property, or rights of another, committed with force or violence, actual or implied. In the case of my arrest, there is an implication, then, of violence, of wrongful entry upon the lands of another. Here is an offense. A sin. A wrong.

I’m reminded of the actions of our neighbor late last fall. Though we never posted a no trespassing sign, we’d talked a couple of times with her over the years of her encroachment on the far corner of our property. Little bit by little bit she enlarged her yard so that her grandkids would have more space to play. We were OK with that as that part of our acreage was undeveloped – but she knew that we knew that that was really within the boundary of our six acre plot. Even so, what did she do but call in a tree service to cut down five living wild cherry trees that were technically ours! That makes for an interesting story. Said she was tired of the branches and leaves that kept falling in her yard. What could we do? The trees were gone. It seemed the only thing we could do was to forgive those who trespass against us. She ended up with the bill from the tree service. We ended up with lots of cherry wood. This winter we’ll enjoy stoking up the fire in the wood stove with seasoned, fragrant logs. Even so, here will be a frequent reminder of our allowance of her trespassing. 

Where have I trespassed? Synonyms of the word suggest intrusion, encroachment, infringement – a breaking in, an invasion or offense with an undertone of violence.

As I reflect on this, a quote from Thomas Merton comes to mind. In this context it carries a lot of weight for me today and I wonder how my acts of trespassing fit into the picture that Merton is talking about:

To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender oneself to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence. More than that, it is cooperation in violence. It destroys one’s inner capacity for peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of one’s work, because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes the work fruitful.

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen

O

When and where have you found yourself utterly amazed – full of awe and wonder?

Years ago, while touring Germany, members of the group kept exclaiming over the sights that we saw around every bend in the road– as though these vistas were unrivaled.  Each new day we were ripe for discovery and curiosity. The whole experience was so wonderful I thrilled to the adventure.  Towards the end of the trip, however, as I was longing for home, I came to a personal realization that there was as much beauty to be had right there – back home – if only I would have the eyes to see it.

I’ve never forgotten the implication of that awareness and have tried to make it a daily intention to see the stunning wonders in my own back yard.

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood & I found myself humming strains of an old hymn.  A few phrases stirred in my memory & I wanted to get outside and experience the song and sing the mighty power of God– Lord, how Thy wonders are displayed where-e’er I turn my eye: If I survey the ground I tread or gaze upon the sky!

The fading October landscape offers me more than I bargained for. Bright blue chicory defies traffic where it grows up out of the gravel along the shoulder of the road.  Gleaming golden rod flashes in dappled sunshine like a blinking yellow traffic signal urging alertness to the beauty of the day.  Dense dark brown cattails & fluffy milkweed pods boast of fertility. Consider the potential in the soon to be released seeds! Seasonal grasses, even as they die off this late in the autumn of the year, bear much promise, in the cycle of seasons. Burnished leaves on the common bushes roadside suggest that I stay tuned with great expectation for the majestic fall color display just around the corner. The contrasting textures and colors delight the senses. Earthy damp smells of autumn entice me to breathe deep. There is the tart aroma of fallen apples. Wafting in the gentle breeze is more than a hint of pine. The air is alive with the raucous call of crows….

Filled with awe and wonder, I gratefully gather up an abundance of nature’s offerings. Sorted out, the gleanings make a lovely mandala. 

This is an occasional practice that I particularly enjoy.

On this stunningly beautiful day in the neighborhood I couldn’t stop there – the woodland in my very own yard beckons.

Softly carpeted with fallen needles, the ground, hosts an amazing number and variety of fungi. Dainty fairy rings circle round robust mushrooms. So mysterious, they are - growing in the shadows of the softly whispering pines. Here, I collect another assortment of the seasons gifts and select a few for another artistic display of my own imaginative arrangement.

Now, what’s keeping you from getting out there?

Overwhelm us with wonder, Lord: that our souls might rest in awe.

Allow yourself to be amazed – filled with awe and wonder. I’d love for you to share. Where have you awakened to the beauty and joy of God?